The Gates Parenting Support is one that places a high regard for parenting example. When a parent becomes aware that their child is being the object of bullying or actually being the bully our parents look at how they handle their own situations first. For those who are new to terms such as bullying and wondering how to connect that to their everyday life and their child's life , I will give you my understanding of bully.
A bully is a type of personality that desires control. To obtain this control it offers it's victims admiration and then at the most surprising times will pull from it's victim all admiration , unless the victim complies with it's demands.
At first the victim refuses but as the desire for admiration enlarges the desire to not comply with it's demands lessens.
A person can be bullied into wearing the same kind of clothes as everyone else at an event. A person can be bullied into only having the same opinion as everyone else at their table. A person can be bullied into a life style that they would not chose if their desire for admiration was not so great.
The Gates parent does not want to control their children with admiration. As parents our goal is to let our children know they are admired by us no matter what choice they make. We try to offer them choices daily so that they will have that ability . At the same time knowing whatever choice they make they will still be loved and admired by the parent.
Will all choices be ones that the child is glad they made? Probably not. Then it is important for the Gates parent to not step in and interfere with the consequences of their child's choice making.
If you can think of a time when you encouraged your child to make a choice based on how admired he would be for that choice, perhaps you would like to stop doing that now.
If you can think of a time recently that you stepped in and helped your child avoid a natural consequence you are not alone. If you can see how valuable it would be for your child if you could stop doing that and desire support please join us at the Gates Parenting Support Group.
Psalms 23:5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Friday, April 2, 2010
The Value of Example
Last night I pulled out a Classic Comedies DVD and sat back hoping to have a little humor added to my day. I laughed at the commercials. These companies were spending high dollars to pay the actors to act out these situation comedies. Yet when it came time to sell their product , up would come a poster board picture and someone in the background saying , "be sure to buy Listerine."
Sadly though I saw another product was being sold to America at that time , and whoever was behind it , was not dumb. The very best actors were being able to convince America that it was funny to be deceitful. That truth was not important if it was all in fun. A man wearing a girdle to convince he had lost weight and win a bet. Another man paying his child to take his to small pants to the store and exchange them for a bigger size so that he could convince his wife that he had lost weight, very funny stuff back then in the fifties.
As more and more people stopped interacting with their children but started spending free time with them watching TV , the children saw less and less what their real parents would do in situations.
The examples for doing right became more and more rare.
What I hope parents who come to the GATES Parenting Support Group realize is that their example is what really counts.
The children may or may not change when you use Love and Logic Parenting Techniques , but you the parent will become more self aware of the example you are giving your child.
I encourage parents to share Love and Logic moments so they can be applauded for their efforts .
So here are some questions to keep in mind for this month.
Did you offer your child some choices with limits , rather than say, " this is what I want you to do."?
Did you make an enforceable statement instead of an unenforceable statement , for a time when it was a matter of the child did need to heed what you were saying and do what you wanted them to do ?
When you had to give a consequence did you give it with empathy , letting them know that you were concerned about their unhappiness , but because you loved them you and would rather see them unhappy so they could have a learning moment.
Have a fun month with your children. Love is a happy feeling.
Sadly though I saw another product was being sold to America at that time , and whoever was behind it , was not dumb. The very best actors were being able to convince America that it was funny to be deceitful. That truth was not important if it was all in fun. A man wearing a girdle to convince he had lost weight and win a bet. Another man paying his child to take his to small pants to the store and exchange them for a bigger size so that he could convince his wife that he had lost weight, very funny stuff back then in the fifties.
As more and more people stopped interacting with their children but started spending free time with them watching TV , the children saw less and less what their real parents would do in situations.
The examples for doing right became more and more rare.
What I hope parents who come to the GATES Parenting Support Group realize is that their example is what really counts.
The children may or may not change when you use Love and Logic Parenting Techniques , but you the parent will become more self aware of the example you are giving your child.
I encourage parents to share Love and Logic moments so they can be applauded for their efforts .
So here are some questions to keep in mind for this month.
Did you offer your child some choices with limits , rather than say, " this is what I want you to do."?
Did you make an enforceable statement instead of an unenforceable statement , for a time when it was a matter of the child did need to heed what you were saying and do what you wanted them to do ?
When you had to give a consequence did you give it with empathy , letting them know that you were concerned about their unhappiness , but because you loved them you and would rather see them unhappy so they could have a learning moment.
Have a fun month with your children. Love is a happy feeling.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Empathy
Empathy is a very important part of the parenting skills that the Love and Logic Institute teach. Empathy is not a , "Oh honey, I am so sorry for you." That is kind of more of a sympathy statement . Sympathy tells how you feel.
Empathy gives a wise projection of how they might feel. Sympathy comes into play because your projection is more than likely based on your own experiences .Parents gives empathy to their child who due to a bad choice is suffering a consequence of some kind. Thus giving the child the idea that the parent is really rooting for him to be able to make a better choice next time.
Parents also give empathy when they tell their child that to ease the consequence would destroy a learning moment for them , and they love their child way to much to do that.
I've been thinking about a plan for the next time my child over sleeps and misses an event that she really wanted to attend.
I've been trying to think of an empathic statement that would do all of the above.
My child has ADHD and she has explained to me what it is like for an ADHD individuals brain .
She said it is like messages running in your head all the time, kind of like words lit in lights running across a screen. She says, "she might have actually the best idea about something that will make her so happy and she plans to act on it, but before she can finish reading that message another message comes running through and she will completely forget about that really good idea."
Her brain is so tired that when it finally does stop with all the messages and let her go to sleep, her body just does not want to start again , unless she just has to.
Now I do not have ADHD but I ran this scenario by another adult who does have ADHD and he said, "yes, that is exactly how it is for him too."
This gap in my being able to sympathize , because I do not have ADHD makes having a wise empathetic statement really hard to come up with.
Now if she did not have ADHD , I would say something like, " Oh, I know you must miss not going with your cousin shopping at the mall , because you over slept."
The over sleeping issue seems to me not to be a behavioral problem but a physical problem that she will need to at some point overcome. The other behavioral issues that we have addressed and won have always been achieved because she became convinced that I was allowing consequences to happen because I love her.
That is what Love and Logic Institute teaches and I am so glad that I have used their techniques over the past 9 years.
There is a support group for parents of children ages 11 and older, in Saline County , AR.
Check out the other posts for dates and times.
Empathy gives a wise projection of how they might feel. Sympathy comes into play because your projection is more than likely based on your own experiences .Parents gives empathy to their child who due to a bad choice is suffering a consequence of some kind. Thus giving the child the idea that the parent is really rooting for him to be able to make a better choice next time.
Parents also give empathy when they tell their child that to ease the consequence would destroy a learning moment for them , and they love their child way to much to do that.
I've been thinking about a plan for the next time my child over sleeps and misses an event that she really wanted to attend.
I've been trying to think of an empathic statement that would do all of the above.
My child has ADHD and she has explained to me what it is like for an ADHD individuals brain .
She said it is like messages running in your head all the time, kind of like words lit in lights running across a screen. She says, "she might have actually the best idea about something that will make her so happy and she plans to act on it, but before she can finish reading that message another message comes running through and she will completely forget about that really good idea."
Her brain is so tired that when it finally does stop with all the messages and let her go to sleep, her body just does not want to start again , unless she just has to.
Now I do not have ADHD but I ran this scenario by another adult who does have ADHD and he said, "yes, that is exactly how it is for him too."
This gap in my being able to sympathize , because I do not have ADHD makes having a wise empathetic statement really hard to come up with.
Now if she did not have ADHD , I would say something like, " Oh, I know you must miss not going with your cousin shopping at the mall , because you over slept."
The over sleeping issue seems to me not to be a behavioral problem but a physical problem that she will need to at some point overcome. The other behavioral issues that we have addressed and won have always been achieved because she became convinced that I was allowing consequences to happen because I love her.
That is what Love and Logic Institute teaches and I am so glad that I have used their techniques over the past 9 years.
There is a support group for parents of children ages 11 and older, in Saline County , AR.
Check out the other posts for dates and times.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Secrets of Stepparenting Part One
The Gates Parenting Support Group listened to part one of Secrets of Stepparenting by Jim Fay & Foster W.Cline , M.D. Saturday , March 27. As always we were encouraged to be the best parents that we can. Our children will be using our parenting skills to parent our grandchildren. It may be years before we see our efforts make a difference but we must keep on doing the best we can.Our next meeting will be April 24, 2010 . Call 350-8654 to sign up.For parents of children ages 11 or older who wish support to use parenting skills taught by the Love and Logic Institute. www.loveandlogic.com for topic samples.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
The Last Saturday of each month Gates Parenting Support Group will be meeting
My 20 year old daughter now thanks me for learning about Love and Logic parenting skills. It was not so when I first began using them nine years ago. Using them correctly that is. There are three basic skills that I keep in mind at all times. 1. GIVE CHOICES WITHIN LIMITS 2. SET LIMITS THROUGH ENFORCEABLE STATEMENTS 3. APPLY CONSEQUENCES WITHOUT ANGER
That last one took me about two years to master but when I did living in my household became joyful and peaceful.
Up to that time it was either let my daughter tell me what to do , or put up with total chaos.
I hope parents who are wanting to help their children learn to take responsibility for their choices even as young as 11 years of age will not become discouraged after the first tries. http://www.loveandlogic.com/ has many helpful articles under the parents tab and then free resources.
Articles like TURN YOUR WORD INTO GOLD and ONE-LINERS are the kind of topics we discuss at our once a month meeting.
Maybe you know a parent that seems to be at the end of their rope and could use a little encouragement ? I hope you will tell them about the Gates Parenting Support Group that is now accepting new members.
They must call 501-350-8654 to register as seating is limited .
We meet at 3:30 p.m. the last Saturday of each month in the Adult Classroom of
Benton First Church of the Nazarene.1203 W. Sevier St. Benton, AR
That last one took me about two years to master but when I did living in my household became joyful and peaceful.
Up to that time it was either let my daughter tell me what to do , or put up with total chaos.
I hope parents who are wanting to help their children learn to take responsibility for their choices even as young as 11 years of age will not become discouraged after the first tries. http://www.loveandlogic.com/ has many helpful articles under the parents tab and then free resources.
Articles like TURN YOUR WORD INTO GOLD and ONE-LINERS are the kind of topics we discuss at our once a month meeting.
Maybe you know a parent that seems to be at the end of their rope and could use a little encouragement ? I hope you will tell them about the Gates Parenting Support Group that is now accepting new members.
They must call 501-350-8654 to register as seating is limited .
We meet at 3:30 p.m. the last Saturday of each month in the Adult Classroom of
Benton First Church of the Nazarene.1203 W. Sevier St. Benton, AR
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Constancy
No matter what type of parenting skills parents tell me they are using, they always add the most difficult thing is to use the skills constantly.
At Gates Parenting Support Group the parents are primarily interested in using the parenting skills taught at the Love and Logic Institute. For a quick look click the link www.loveandlogic.com .
Learning the skills can be done using the materials supplied on the site.
Support for using the skills is what is offered at the Gates Parenting Support Group.
The goal of the meeting is that each parent will feel validated for learning about this time tested way of raising responsible children.
Every attempt to give choices with limits, make enforceable statements and give consequences when needed with love and empathy (no anger) is applauded.
As we share our stories with each other we realise that creativity and experience is an invaluable help.
As the facilitator of the group , my own Love and Logic journey began when my daughter was 9 years old. She was 11 years old before I learned how to give consequences without anger.
I not only used the Love and Logic parenting skills , I also placed my trust in God. Day after day I read and re-read Psalms 127. I began to view the parenting skills as one might view a skill they were trying to use that would build a house. As I would offer her a choice with limits my confidence was not in my good parenting choice. My confidence was in God.
My daughters testimony and a desire to share our experiences for the benefit of others has prompted me to facilitate this group. She is now 20 years old and thanks me often for learning to use the Love and Logic parenting skills and for trusting in God.
Parents who want to network with other parents who have children age 11 or older and are practicing the Love and Logic parenting skills are welcome to attend our meetings. They must call 501-350-8654 to register as seating is limited .
We meet at 3:30 p.m. the last Saturday of each month in the Adult Classroom of Benton First Church of the Nazarene.
1203 W. Sevier St. Benton, AR
At Gates Parenting Support Group the parents are primarily interested in using the parenting skills taught at the Love and Logic Institute. For a quick look click the link www.loveandlogic.com .
Learning the skills can be done using the materials supplied on the site.
Support for using the skills is what is offered at the Gates Parenting Support Group.
The goal of the meeting is that each parent will feel validated for learning about this time tested way of raising responsible children.
Every attempt to give choices with limits, make enforceable statements and give consequences when needed with love and empathy (no anger) is applauded.
As we share our stories with each other we realise that creativity and experience is an invaluable help.
As the facilitator of the group , my own Love and Logic journey began when my daughter was 9 years old. She was 11 years old before I learned how to give consequences without anger.
I not only used the Love and Logic parenting skills , I also placed my trust in God. Day after day I read and re-read Psalms 127. I began to view the parenting skills as one might view a skill they were trying to use that would build a house. As I would offer her a choice with limits my confidence was not in my good parenting choice. My confidence was in God.
My daughters testimony and a desire to share our experiences for the benefit of others has prompted me to facilitate this group. She is now 20 years old and thanks me often for learning to use the Love and Logic parenting skills and for trusting in God.
Parents who want to network with other parents who have children age 11 or older and are practicing the Love and Logic parenting skills are welcome to attend our meetings. They must call 501-350-8654 to register as seating is limited .
We meet at 3:30 p.m. the last Saturday of each month in the Adult Classroom of Benton First Church of the Nazarene.
1203 W. Sevier St. Benton, AR
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